I Will Trust In You

 

   

 

 

 

     This is my Pops.  I love him so much and am very proud to be his daughter.  Dad has been going thru a hard time lately and I've been watching him.  You see, Pops is physically handicapped.  He had avascular necrosis of his hip joints when he was born. His hip joint didn't get the blood supply it needed - so his hip disintegrated. So that means that instead of having a ball and socket in his hip, he had a screw and some bailing wire - I kid you not.  I've seen the x-rays.  That leg was 3 1/2" shorter than the other leg.  So he has had multiple hip surgeries.  He learned to walk many times before he finally had a hip replacement in 1999 when they made his legs the same length.  On top of that, he had a major stroke - and had to learn to walk again.  Recently, he got pneumonia and went into respiratory failure.  He has since been really weak and has had to learn to walk again - at 83 years old.  I have not heard him complain once.  The closest he got was to say, "I just want to go see Jesus!" 

     I watch Pops because things are not going his way - and yet he has a good attitude.  He is kind and polite to all his caregivers, thanks them for each thing, and doesn't complain when they are busy and take time to answer his call button.   

     Dad moved into assisted living at the beginning of January, just before he got pneumonia.  My sister Susan and I have been learning to "PIBE", or Play It By Ear or "ODAAT", One Day At A Time.  Never knowing what the next day will bring.  Will he survive this infection?  Will he make it back to the assisted living or will he have to go to a nursing home?  When we learned that he could go back to the assisted living, we had 1 day to get a hospital bed.  The rental facilities were out of beds.  Access, a place in Medford that lets people use their medical supplies, had one bed but 4 people needed it.  Would we get it?  Where would we get a bed if we couldn't get that one?  God worked it out - we got it and Dad successfully moved back to the assisted living.  He's working hard to gain his strength so he can get back to being mobile.  And he's not complaining.  He is so very strong!

     Looking at past blog posts, I've been struggling with trust a lot.  With letting God be in control and not complaining about His path. 

     This past week, some friends told me they are going to Greece to help with the refugees who are coming by boat.  My heart was torn.  I've been in tears watching the videos of refugees landing with nothing - cold, wet, and desperate.  I want to be there.  I want to help them.  But I can't go.  I'm trying not to complain.  Tom and Betty will be great at this - they are so gifted in acting out love even with a language barrier.  Those refugees will be blessed to have Tom and Betty there.  Tom asked me if I want to go on a medical mission to Jordan in October.  YES!!! But I'm not qualified.  Yes, I have my M.D. but I didn't get a residency, Tom.  That's a huge door that I feel like God slammed in my face.  So, no, I don't think I can go to Jordan.  I think I'm supposed to stay here, draw blood, and be content with what God has given me.  Yes, I'm frustrated because I thought I was following God's path in going to medical school, but I feel like all I got out of it was $150,000 of debt.  Really?  Is that what He wanted me to do?  I have no clue.   But this is where I'm at. 

     So, I sit, and I watch Pops, and I try to be strong and to be happy for those who get to go to other countries and help those in need.  I am truly thankful for Tom and Betty, for their daughter Brandee who will go to Jordan.  For those others who get to go and help out in those areas that have such a great need.

     There's a new song out by Lauren Daigle.  The words to her songs are always an encouragement.  Here are some of the lyrics....

 

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

 

 

This is where I'm at - I'm still learning from Pops to choose to trust in Him and continue to work hard in the place He puts me when He doesn't move the mountain that I need moved. 

 

 

Trusting the Planner, Not the Plan

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I'm a planner.  I like to make a goal figure out how to achieve said goal, and then follow the plan.  But today I began reading a book by Wayne Stiles entitled Waiting on God What To Do When God Does Nothing.  I can already tell it's not going to be an easy book.  The first thing that caught my attention was a comment about how we often trust the plan rather than trusting God with the plan. 

As I think about Joseph, I wonder how he did it.  He knew he was going to be in charge but did he ever doubt?  When he was in the slave pit, did he doubt the vision that God had given him?  When he was sitting in a jail cell, did he begin to wonder if the dreams he had were from the day old cheeseburgers the night before?  (okay a little liberty there but you know what I mean). 

I'm in a period of waiting.  Waiting for God to reveal His plan to me.  But today I learned that maybe I need to wait for God to reveal Himself to me.  Maybe I've been looking for the wrong thing - I don't need a map to show me what the next step in life should be, I need a Shepherd who will walk the path with me.  I'm so thankful for His faithfulness.  I pray for you as you "wait" on Him, that you will see Him more plainly day-by-day.

Neil Quigley

I know we met the Quigleys when I was 11 or 12 but I honestly don't remember a time when they weren't a part of our lives.
Neil's was the only farm I know of where the animals all died of old age. Not just the cat and dogs but the chickens and others as well. They were treated like royalty. I can't tell you how many times Neil took care of our animals when we went on vacation. We always knew they'd be well cared for. It may have been my imagination, but I always thought they looked a little sad to see him go when we got back.

Animals weren't the only thing Neil did for us. There were numerous football, basketball, and softball games that he attended as well. Whether we were doing well that year or not, Neil was there to cheer us on. He ran road races with us, went to plays at LCC with us, went to a Keith Green concert with us, and even took us to an airshow at the Eugene Airport. He just enjoyed living life.

I can still hear him laughing as he watched Susan laugh while playing Chicken Cross the Road on Atari. We spent a lot of time laughing with Neil Quigley. But that wasn't all...we knew we could count on him for just about anything. I remember once I was home by myself and heard a weird noise. Dad called Neil and he came over and made sure I was okay. That was Neil....ornery and sweet all in one. I have an idea he's in heaven right now, worshipping with Jesus in between chortles of laughter. There are many more memories of Neil that I hold close to my heart - holidays, games, movies.... I'm thankful for his friendship, not only with my Dad, but also with our entire family and I'm so thankful that rather than good bye, we can say, "see you later, Neil".  

Be Thankful For What You Get!

"Be thankful for what you get!" That phrase has been floating around our homes for a while. I can't remember the first time I heard it - but I think it was my sister, Susan, talking to her boys when they were younger. It's also been a good reminder for all of us adults at one time or another. Lately, it's been going thru my head a lot.

I've been reminiscing about different Christmases I have celebrated. Especially those in Tanzania. Maybe because our Christmas choir is singing a song that has a couple lines of Swahili in it this year. What I remember most about Christmas in Tanzania is one time talking about what Christmas means to various folks. One person said, "Christmas means kuku to me." (kuku is the Swahili word for chicken). When asked to explain, he said that this is how they celebrate Christmas at his house. His father would save all year so they could have a chicken dinner for Christmas. (And as a co-worker once said, "even the chickens are starving in Tanzania!") So they got a scrawny chicken dinner for Christmas and it was wonderful.

There weren't lights, there wasn't a tree, there were no presents, just a chicken dinner....and they were thankful for what they got. These folks understood that what they got was a lot more than a scrawny chicken. They got a Savior...they got eternal life....forgiveness from sins.....a relationship with God......peace.

As we get caught up in the busyness of this season - trying to find the perfect gift for each person on our list. May we all remember to be thankful for what we got....because we got the best gift ever given.

May you have a peace filled and thankful Christmas.

Inner Truth

I've been reading a book called Dear Abba by Brennan Manning. It's a compilation of things from his various works broken down into two daily devotionals. It's been a blessing and I highly recommend it.

Recently, Manning was talking about James 2:14-17 which talks about faith without works.  He says this, "The Christian commitment is not an abstraction. It is a concrete, visible, courageous, and formidable way of being in the world, forged by daily choices consistent with inner truth." I've been convicted. What is my inner truth that influences the choices I make on a daily basis?

Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Is He my inner truth? Or have I let the influences of society around me become my inner truth? It's a tough question. Is it so wrong to want a successful career? Especially if that career is in service to others? I've come to the decision that no - it's not wrong to want that - But when that becomes the definition of who I am rather than the Truth of Jesus defining me, then there's a problem. When my inner truth is determined by an outer achievement, then the real Truth is put aside. 

I want to be that strong, concrete, courageous person who makes daily choices consistent with an inner truth found in the Scriptures. It's a challenge. 

The Train Ride

"If my lifespan is a house, then I am quite convinced I am 'stuck' in one of the hallways."

That's how an email from a dear sister started yesterday. (I say sister - we've never met yet this dear lady has been such an encouragement via email that it feels as though we must be sisters of the heart). Amie's statement got me thinking.....I don't feel so much that my lifespan is a house but maybe rather a train journey. I like to travel by train. It's nice because you can see the areas you're passing thru and someone else is responsible for getting you there. As I think about this metaphor, I can see it passing before my eyes.

I have stopped at various stations along the way. The growing up in a family of six station, the graduating and moving out of my home station, the working and going to college station, the Africa station, the medical school station. Some stations, I have passed by...marriage and children, career, home ownership, to name a few. Some are easier to pass by than others. Some have required long periods of mourning for dreams that did not come true. Some might still be coming.

God has blessed me on my "train ride". I have had so many friends travel with me on this trip. Some have come and gone - departing at different stations. Some ride with me for a while, then depart, then return and ride for a while longer. I think of those who rode with me thru Tanzania and Kenya. Those who travelled to Israel with me. Those who stuck with me on the ride thru medical school, who continue to ride with me as I search for the "residency" station.

The thing about this train though, is I'm not the conductor. I have no control over what stations we stop at and which stations we pass by. That can be a scary feeling and a peaceful feeling at the same time. I know that my "Conductor" is much better able than I to guide this train. I know that He has a plan and that He knows the end destination of my train. I also know that I can trust Him to get me to the best station. There are times I get impatient and try to get to the engine room and drive the train myself. Lately I feel like I've been "stuck" at this station of working at the local hospital for too long. I want to get back on the train and get it moving on to residency. I ask myself sometimes, what if I went to medical school only to never get a residency? Well, what if I did. It's not the end of the world and it won't be the end of the train ride either. I sometimes feel like I will be disappointing people but then I'm reminded that I'm not driving my train - God is! So, whatever the "next station" may be, or if there is no "next station", I can trust that this is the best place for me, and any who are disappointed will just have to have their own conversation with my Conductor. :)

I want to thank those of you who have been "riding this train" with me. It hasn't always been easy but having you there with me my faithful friends has made the journey so much better. Thank you for helping me to carry my luggage, for helping me find a comfortable spot to wait, for helping me to grow as I wait and watch on the journey. You have blessed me beyond words.     

Moving On

Well, it's certainly been a long time since I posted on this site! School is over - yippee!!! Learning and testing continues, as it will thru out my lifetime as an MD.

Currently, I'm working at the local hospital here in Eugene as a registration clerk - no this is not what I saw myself doing when I graduated from medical school but I've come to realize that God has His own plans :)

I've also been accepted with African Inland Mission (AIM) as a short term mission worker. I'm hoping to leave for Kenya before long. I'm going to start raising support fairly soon. It's not 100% that Kenya will be my destination but it's looking pretty good. My job will be to work in a Casualty Department (Kenyan Emergency Department) and I will be working with other doctors. I'm sooo excited! I will keep you all up to date on how things are going and more details as I learn them. In the mean time - just wanted to let you all know what is up.

Blessings!
peggy